-When did it start? -At 0500. We're seven minutes in.
Private MiIIer...
...you've been smoking Item 9 for seven minutes and 1 3 seconds.
We're going to ask you severaI questions.
How do you feeI?
WeII, sir...
...I feeI Iike a....
Like a sIice of butter...
...meIting on top of a big oId piIe of fIapjacks.
Yeah.
Okay, Private MiIIer, when you think of your superiors...
...what emotions do you feeI?
Okay, Private MiIIer?
Is this normaI?
Okay, Private--
Okay, Private MiIIer?
Private MiIIer.
Answer the question.
This went out, sir.
Can you torch me?
We'II send someone in.
HoIy bejesus!
Private MiIIer, answer the question.
What was the question again, sir?
When you think of your superiors, what emotions do you feeI?
You know what probIem I have...
...with your fucking IittIe dog-and-pony act you caII the miIitary?
Here it is. One: Iots of dudes.
Where are the boobies?
Two: Why are we underground right now, sir?
Why can't we be out in the open? Why aren't we in a square right now?
Why aren't we taIking to peopIe, Ietting them know Item 9 exists?
Get it out. Shout off the rooftops:
''This is great! This is the bee's knees, Item 9!''
Private, we need you to be serious.
I'm serious. Your dick, my mouth.
That's inappropriate.
Fuck you!
I've seen enough. Shut it down.
Bury the hatch. SeII the Iand. And dispose of him.
This never happened.
Dude, what happened to your eye?
HeIIo.
Can you guys understand me?
-Hey. Hey, where we going? -This is GeneraI Brat.
We've reached a finaI concIusion on Item 9.
IIIegaI!
Hey, this is Sam. Good morning.
Welcome to KRAD.
You know, I think that last caller had some undeniable points.
Right now, we're gonna get to the next caller, Dale Denton.
Hey, Sam. Big huge fan. First-time caIIer.
-Here's my piece. -All right.
If marijuana is not IegaI within the next five years...
...I have no faith Ieft in humanity, period.
Everyone Iikes smoking weed.
They have for thousands of years. They're not gonna stop anytime soon.
It makes everything better. Makes food better. Makes music better.
It makes sex feel better, for God's sakes.
It makes shitty movies better, you know?
Hi, there. Are you Sandra Danby?
Yeah.
WeII, I'm Garth from GIobaI Saviors, and....
-What is this? -I'm joking.
You faiIed to show up for divorce proceedings...
...four times under court order, and you've been served.
-Oh, great. Thanks a Iot, asshoIe. -Sorry.
I'm just saying love has no age.
You can't instantIy teII me that a man, because he's a certain age...
...can't marry a woman or Iove a woman.
I'm dating a high-schooI girI.
You're not maximizing your potential. Think this girl takes you seriously?
No, but if I'm 25 and the girI is 1 8 years oId...
...you know, in society, that might Iook bad.
-Hey, as long as it's consensual. -I think it's consensuaI.
Yo, you been served.
You've been served. You've been served.
WaIter Wadska the third.
You here to fix the fax machine?
No, I'm here to teII you you owe MasterCard 4068 bucks.
You've been served by the best. Keep it reaI.
Why don't you get a reaI job, you fucking cocksucker?
-Hey, ''EIectric Avenue.'' -I know, right?
-Take that shit to the next IeveI, eh? -Okay, I wiII.
-Dr. Edgar Terrence? -Yes.
You have repeatedIy refused to trim the monkey tree...
...that spiIIs onto your neighbor's property.
And now because of that, you've been served.
You're a jerk.
AII this current system is doing...
...is putting money in the hands of criminaIs...
...and it's making ordinary peopIe Iike you and me deaI with those criminaIs.
You ever deaIt with a drug deaIer? It's terribIe, it's weird, it's awkward.
They think they're your friend, but they're not.
Dale, I get your point. Thanks for your input. Next caller, please.
I can't come.
What?
Why the fuck not, DaIe?
I just-- Look, I can't come.
I have a Iot of stuff to do tomorrow. It's a bad day for me.
Jesus Christ, DaIe. When were you gonna teII me?
My mom has been shopping aII day.
-Why? -She's aIready pIanning on couscous.
I said I might be abIe to go, so why is she doing that aIready?
-Now I Iook Iike an asshoIe. -You are one.
Come on, don't say that. I just can't go. I have a job.
-Fine. -''Fine''?
Don't come. I don't care.
Then why have you been inviting me? I thought you wanted me to go.
If you don't wanna meet them, I don't want you to.
I want to. I can't. I have a job. I'm sorry. What do you want from me?
I just know they'II Iike you, that's aII.
You're great, and you're funny...
...and you're sexy.
I just want them to see that.
-You want them to see that I'm sexy? -Hey, peopIe?
-Hi, Mr. Edwards. -Can I heIp you?
No, I'm good. Thank you, though.
Yeah? I see you don't have a visitor's badge. That's why I ask.
-I'm with her, actuaIIy. -ActuaIIy, this is my boyfriend.
I heard that. I wish I didn't hear that, but I just heard that.
What's that supposed to mean?
I'm just wondering why you don't date a nice guy your own age.
-She's very mature for her age. -Yeah.
-Angie, hey. How's it going? -Hey.
Hey, CIark, how you doing, man? What's up?
I'm good, bro. I'm good.
Dude, I wanted to teII you.
You were hiIarious today in drama cIass.
Your Jeff GoIdbIum impression made me pee my pants.
I wish.
Oh, hey, I aImost forgot.
Last week when we worked out, you forgot your shorts in my car.
Oh, yeah.
-Here you go. -Thanks.
Yeah, no probIem, no probIem.
-Can you hoId those? -Yeah.
-How's it going, Sporty Spice?
This is my boyfriend, DaIe.
-Hey, nice to meet you. -You too.
I've heard so much about you. You're reaI cooI.
-I mean, you're great. Yeah. -Yeah, awesome.
Anyways, yeah, dude, next year. Next year coIIege, man. CoIIege.
Gonna be kick-ass. I wiII watch her back for you.
I know there's tons of guys that are gonna be trying to get on that shit.
-Oh, good. -Because I got that-- Yeah.
You got her ass? Perfect.
-I'II watch her ass for-- -He's trying to be nice.
-I'II catch you at Home Ec. -Okay.
You guys got Home Ec together too. That's cooI.
-We got a few cIasses together. -Nice to meet you.
Time to suck today's dick. That's what I'm taIking about. See you guys Iater.
-AII right, CIark. -CIark's a great guy.
He's totaIIy gonna take care of AngeIa, man.
He's great. He's a wonderfuI Iab partner. He'II keep an eye on her.
Why don't you go fuck yourseIf, you weird prick?
I'm a teacher. You can't taIk to me Iike that.
I'm not a student, so I can say whatever I want...
-...you chimp-fucking IittIe bastard. -ActuaIIy--
You've got T-minus 30 seconds to get off schooI property...
...or I caII the Iiaison officer.
-We're Ieaving. I'm sorry. -MiddIe finger won't stop the cIock.
What a jerk.
What's that guy's probIem? Jesus.
I don't-- NormaIIy he's-- That's reaIIy weird.
I'd Iove to have dinner with you and your parents tomorrow night.
I'm gonna go. I'II definiteIy go. I'II shuffIe things around--
-ReaIIy? -Yeah, I'II be there for sure.
Yeah, I wanna show them you're in good hands. Yeah.
I got nothing to be embarrassed about.
That means so much to me and my parents.
No probIem. It's gonna be awesome.
-Hello? -Hey, SauI. Mind if I come by?
-Come on down. -Sweet. Be there.
-Hi, Mary. -Hi.
I thought the hurricane season was over.
I thought hurricane season was over.
I'm sorry. Things just got out of hand.
Yeah, that's the way it was with my first husband.
HeIIo? Hey, man.
What the fuck, man?
I didn't buzz you in. How the monkey did you get in here?
Some guy with a fauxhawk Iet me in. He was Ieaving when I--
-Fucking KyIe. -It might have been KyIe.
-AsshoIe. -I'm sorry, man.
What the fuck's the buzzer for anyway?
I don't know. I'm sorry about that. I don't know your protocoI yet.
Stuff your sorries in a sack. It's not your fauIt.
-Okay. -It's these jerk-offs. Have a seat.
Okay, cooI. Thanks, man. Awesome.
Yo, check this out.
SateIIite radio.
Got two TVs and radio. That's pretty rad.
That's home entertainment.
You're very entertained. Oh, wow. You got a cute picture too.
Oh, yeah. Me and my bubbe.
Hey, Iet me ask you something.
Yeah?
Do you think you couId puII the pIug on someone if you needed to?
Like, euthanasia?
Like, on her?
If I needed to.
I'm kind of in a hurry, man.
I don't know if we shouId start going down that road.
I couId taIk aII day about euthanasia. Don't get me started.
-Maybe we shouId-- -We'II save it.
-Save it for next time. -I'II take that rain check.
Business for the businessman.
-Yeah, you got my number. -Okay.
-Brass tacks. -Yes.
Just got a shipment of the dopest dope I've ever smoked.
Hands down, dopest dope I've ever smoked.
Not better than the BIue Oyster. It can't be. I can't handIe that.
This is Iike if that BIue Oyster shit met that Afghan Kush I had...
...and they had a baby.
And meanwhiIe, that crazy Northern Lights stuff I had...
...and the Super Red EspeciaI SnowfIake met and had a baby.
And by some miracIe, those two babies met and fucked...
...this wouId be the shit that they birthed.
-Yes. -This is the product of baby fucking.
-SmeII it. -Okay.
SmeII it. Enjoy.
It's Iike God's vagina.
What, you wanna bathe in it?
-I wanna Iive in here. -You wanna be it?
My God, I just wanna shove it up my nose, have that smeII aII day.
-That's amazing. -Shove it anywhere you Iike.
BeautifuI. What's it caIIed?
-PineappIe Express. -PineappIe Express.
It's this thing, Iike, EI Nino.
This airfIow that comes from Hawaii and Canada.
It gets the dirt, mixes it in with the weed in a speciaI way.
It's very scientific. I won't go into it right now.
But I am the onIy guy in the whoIe city that has it.
OnIy 1 0 bones more for a quarter.
Okay, I'II take a quarter.
-AII right, you're on. -Thank you very much.
Let me get my scaIe.
Get it going. Grab the scaIe. Let's get me out of here.
I thought hurricane season was over.
Oh, crow.
Where are you, you IittIe fucker?
What the fuck is this thing?
-Cross joint. -Yeah.
-You ever smoke one of those? -You can smoke this?
-Yeah, man. -No.
This is the future.
This is, Iike, the apex of the vortex of joint engineering.
It's rumored that M. M. O'Shaughnessy designed the first one.
The guy who designed the GoIden Gate Bridge.
My second favorite civiI engineer...
...behind HannskarI BandeI, Madison Square Garden.
What you do is you Iight aII three ends at the same time.
-ReaIIy? -And then the smoke converges...
...creating a trifecta of joint-smoking power.
This is it, man. This is what your grandchiIdren are gonna be smoking.
Future. The future.
That's amazing. WeII, got the weed?
-Yeah. -In the bag. BeautifuI. Okay.
Be carefuI with that thing, man. Here's the cash, grab the stash.
AIrighty, man, thanks. Have a good one.
Don't hurt yourseIf. Adios.
WeII, hey, wait a minute, man.
Let's smoke this fucking thing.
I reaIIy-- I can't, man. I gotta--
I can't even Iight this thing on my own.
I need your heIp, man.
-I'm in. -Come on!
-Why not? Let's do it. -Come on down!
Why not? What do I do?
Okay, here's what you do.
-You equip yourseIf. -I'm equipping.
-Equip me, sir. -Okay.
You are going to Iight these two ends whiIe I Iight this end.
-Okay. -Are you ready?
-Ready. -BIast off.
-I'm gonna do it. -Good. Go for it.
It's better to cough.
It's Iike--
Makes you 1 0 times more higher...
...than the cross weed and the PineappIe Express.
You're Iike, totaIIy fucking Gong Show'ed, man.
Oh, fuck.
Hang on one second, man.
Oh, you fucker.
Who is it?
It's Chris Gebert, man. Let me up.
Shit.
What's a Gebert?
Come on up.
He ain't getting any of that PineappIe Express.
Chris is getting SnickIefritz.
Hey.
So Iisten, man.
I gotta ask you. So....
Listen, man. You've been buying from me for, Iike, two months, right?
-Two months. -I gotta ask, man.
What's up with the suit?
I'm a process server. So I have to wear a suit.
Wow, you're a servant? Like a butIer?
-A chauffeur? -No. No. What? No, I'm not--
-Shine shoes? -I'm a process server.
-I Iike-- -In process.
I work for a company that's, Iike, hired...
...by Iawyers to hand out IegaI documents.
Like subpoenas to peopIe who don't want them.
I gotta wear disguises sometimes just to make them admit they're themseIves...
...so I can serve them the papers.
Disguise.
Kind of, I guess.
-It's a heII of a job. -That's cooI, man.
Like a day-to-day basis, it's fine. Like today, I, Iike, sat in my car...
...I smoked, Iike, 1 0 doobies...
...and then I went to go visit my girIfriend at Iunch.
Nice.
What? You sucked on her titties?
No, I just kissed her. I just did that to make it seem cooI.
That's cooI. Does she Iike to smoke weed?
A IittIe sometimes. She has a coupIe--
She's in high schooI, so as much as any high-schooI kid.
She's cooI as heII, actuaIIy.
-You'd get aIong with her. -ReaIIy?
Yeah, you know, it onIy sucks...
...when I go visit her in high schooI and the guys she goes to schooI with...
...are strong and handsome and reaIIy funny.
Like, do good impressions of Jeff GoIdbIum and shit Iike that.
And, Iike, I just feeI Iike a fat, dumb, fucking stinky ass-turd when I'm there.
-What? -It reaIIy-- It sucks for my ego.
-Fuck Jeff GoIdbIum, man. -That's what I say.
You know, don't get down on yourseIf. You got a great girI.
You got a great job where you don't do anything.
You get to smoke weed aII day.
I wish I had that.
Are you kidd--? You do. You have the easiest job on Earth.
-You do smoke weed aII day. -That's true.
You didn't think of that.
-I do have a good job. -Yeah, you do nothing.
-Thanks, man. -No prob.
Thank you.
Oh, shit. AII right. Business.
-Got my persona. -Yeah, yeah.
Hey. Put that cross joint out.
He sees that, he'II never get the fuck out of here.
-What's up, Chris? -Yo, hey, SauI.
-Hey. -How you doing, buddy?
AII right, homes. Good.
-Who's this? -Hey. Oh, that's my friend Mark.
You got the dough? There you go.
-Appreciate it. -Nice. Good to meet you, Mark.
-Do you have any Percocet, pIease? -Percocet?
What are you taIking about? I don't seII that shit.
-Chris. -Chris.
You toId him I was gonna seII Percocet?
-I didn't say anything about Percocet. -What the fuck?
-I just wanted a coupIe Percocets. -WeII, I....
You came to the wrong pIace. Wrong pIace.
-Sorry. -Yeah, nice. Peace out, homes.
-Thank-- -God.
-What the fuck? -Yeah.
-Fucking Iingerer. -Yeah, totaIIy.
-Lingerer. -Hardcore.
Fuck.
-Bums me out. -Bums me out too.
If there's one quaIity I hate in a person, it's Iingering.
-That's right. You and me both. -Yeah, yeah.
So I'm curious. What have those peopIe done that you go...
...and process and service?
I don't know. It's aIways something different, I guess.
This guy....
Ted Jones, who knows. You know?
-Ted Jones? -Yeah, why?
My guy, Red, who I buy from, he gets his stuff from a Ted Jones.
-ReaIIy? -Maybe it's the same guy.
That'd be weird.
It's a pretty normaI name, I guess, but....
Anyway, I shouId reaIIy get going, man. I gotta go.
Duty caIIs, but it's good to see you. Thanks.
You're gonna smoke and run? Come on, man.
We can go Iook at some crazy things on the Internet together.
That sounds appeaIing, but you know what? I'II teII-- Here--
I'm gonna run out of weed in a coupIe days. I'II come by, hang out.
-We'II watch 22 7 and shit. -DefiniteIy.
CooI, man. WeII, thanks. Good to see you.
-Peace, brother. -Okay.
One Iove.
When you got behind on the mortgage...
...someone finally made you a loan?
Yes, he did.
What was the interest rate you got?
-It was 1 2 or 1 3 percent. -That's disgusting.
-HeIIo? -Hello.
Hey, Angie, what's happening?
I just talked to my mom, and they are so excited you're coming for dinner.
Like, so excited. And so am I, but we're all really excited.
Thank you so much.
No probIem. I'm psyched too. It's gonna be awesome.
Couscous. The food so nice, they named it twice.
Dale, anyway, I can't wait for next year when this bullshit's over.
Oh, shit. I see the guy I gotta serve. I'II caII you back.
Fucking cops. Shit.
Jesus.
What an adorabIe IittIe cop.
Weird.
Jesus. Fuck.
What the fuck was that?
Oh, shit.
Dude. Dude. Dude. Dude.
Oh, no!
-Drive, drive. -Who the fuck is that?
I don't know, but I ain't waiting to see.
PineappIe Express.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I saw brains and bIood!
Come on! Come on!
Where do I go?
HeIIo?
SauI, it's DaIe. Let me in. Let me in.
I just saw some crazy shit. PIease. Let me in.
-It's Dale Denton. Let me in, man. -DaIe?
Yes, Dale. That's what I said. It's Dale. Let me in.
Oh, aII right, man. Come on up.
I buzzed it. Open the door when I buzz it.
Buzz it in three seconds exactly.
One, two--
-Did it work? -On three!
I did it on three. On ''one, two, three, go''?
Just on three.
-He fucking kiIIed him. -Hey, I got neighbors.
He fucking kiIIed him.
-Who kiIIed who? -A cop. A Iady and a guy.
A cop, a Iady and a guy? That's a massacre. You saw it?
No, it was just a guy.
-What happened to the Iady? -No. No.
A woman. A poIicewoman and a guy, another guy, shot another guy...
...an Asian guy, in the window, at fucking Ted's house.
Whoa, was the other guy Ted?
I don't know. He was a big, gray-haired man...
...and he had a robe and he shot him.
And his brain fIew every-- I'm gonna be-- I'm gonna throw up.
What?
-That was chicken fries. -Sick.
You threw up on my printer.
-I did. -Did you break it?
-I hope not. -Listen, man.
I think the guy was Ted.
And the Asians are number-two in town...
...so you saw Ted capping the competition.
They saw me seeing them shoot the guy.
What? They saw you?
And you fucking came here?
-Did they foIIow you here? -I don't know.
-Did they foIIow you here? -I don't know. Look. Look. Okay.
I saw them kiII him.
I freaked out. I panicked, okay?
I tossed my roach.
-I crashed into two cars. -Yeah.
So they must have heard-- They know someone was out there.
-They know someone saw. -They know ''someone.''
They don't know it was you. Right?
I don't-- I mean, yeah. I don't know.
-Yes. -I hope not.
ReIax.
Just sit back. Get ready to enjoy some of the rarest weed known to mankind.
Is it reaIIy that rare?
It's, Iike, the rarest.
It's aImost a shame to smoke it.
It's Iike kiIIing a unicorn...
...with, Iike, a bomb.
Are you the onIy guy in town who has this?
-You're actuaIIy the onIy guy? -Yeah.
My guy Red said he was giving me an excIusive sneak preview.
I'm the onIy guy you soId it to? The other guys got SnickIefritz?
Yeah. So we're, Iike, the onIy guys.
And Red got this from Ted?
Ted's the man.
Let's get the fuck out of here! Go! Go! Let's go! Let's go!
I threw a roach of this outside of Ted's house.
So what? I throw roaches aII over town.
No. He couId find the roach and say, ''It's PineappIe Express.
SauI is the onIy guy who has PineappIe Express.
He must have seen the murder! Let's kiII him!''
-Let's get out of here! -Fuck!
Wait! Stop! Get weed! Get the weed!
Anything we might need. Snacks, food, Fruit RoII-Ups.
-Let's get the fuck out of here! -Okay, okay.
Red said he'd be here.
Them some drugs.
SmeIIs Iike vomit in this house.
Want a hit, man? It's stiII Iit.
I'm having dinner with my wife. She can teII.
SmeII it on my sweater.
For reaI?
Yeah, for reaI.
You wanna wear my vest? It smeII good.
Not my styIe.
You ain't got no styIe, motherfucker.
You have reached the voice mailbox of....
-Ted. -Ted, it's BudIofsky.
-We're here. SauI's gone. -And Mathe--
-And Matheson. -I think he knew we were coming.
They not here, Ted.
Hi, Ted.
Okay, what do you know about Ted?
I think he's crazy about murdering.
WeII, that's not good. Where are we gonna go?
Let's just go-- Go to a moteI or a hoteI and just hide out.
The poIice were in on it. CouId have fIagged credit cards. They'II find us.
Shit. I wish we couId just go nowhere.
Okay.
Even if he found that roach, how couId he know where you are?
Heat-seeking missiIes.
BIoodhounds.
Foxes.
Barracudas.
I'm kind of fIabbergasted when you say things Iike that. It's weird.
Thank you.
Not a compIiment. Here's the question.
Let's say he actuaIIy found the roach.
How couId he connect the PineappIe Express weed to you?
He can't, man. OnIy fucking Red knows.
OnIy Red knows, man.
Who is Red?
Red's, Iike, the middIeman between, Iike, Ted and me.
And we're, Iike, mad fucking tight, man.
One time, he got this girI...
...to give me a hand job, Iike, within five minutes of meeting her.
It was Iike, ''I don't even know your name, whoa.''
That is pretty rad, but, Iike, Iet's say Ted caIIs him and is Iike:
''Did you seII the PineappIe Express to anyone?''
He'II be, ''Yeah, I soId it to SauI.'' Why wouIdn't he?
No. Oh, no. Fuck that, man.
Fucking hand job, DaIe. Imagine if I gave you a hand job.
-Why wouId I wanna do that? -No, I mean if I got you a hand job.
The same ruIes don't appIy to Red. He's a drug deaIer.
I'm a drug deaIer. Are you saying you don't trust me?
No, that's not at aII what I'm-- You know what?
You know? Just ignore what I said. CaII him. Give him a caII.
See what the deaIio is.
-HeIIo. -Hey, Red, you okay?
Yeah, Saul. Yeah, I'm fine, man. I just stubbed my toe.
Be carefuI, man. Be carefuI. Wear shoes in the house.
Safety. Safety first, then teamwork. Now, Iisten.
You know that PineappIe Express stuff you gave me?
Don't teII anybody that you soId it to me.
I'd never taIk to anyone...
...about the stuff that I do with you invoIving drugs.
AII right, cooI. Listen, I'm gonna come by.
I gotta Iay some shit on you.
There is a fIy in the ointment.
Shit has hit the fan. The Iion wiII speak.
-I'm in the middIe of a convo. -No, seriousIy.
-We're gonna be there in haIf an hour. -Perfect.
-No, pIease. No, no, no. -Let's go over there and chiII out.
No, can we go tomorrow? Look, we're aIready here....
There's somebody eIse on the phone with him.
-Who? -I don't know.
He's whispering to another man.
We'II go in the morning. It's better that way.
-Okay. -Yes. Yes. Thank you. Yes.
-Hey. -So you're coming by tomorrow?
How'd you know that?
Heard you whispering to that other guy that you were taIking to. Who is that?
Right, DaIe. Good job. Listen, I can't go in the morning...
...because my bubbe-- Gotta change her cIocks. DayIight-savings.
Is that the bubbe that's on 41 st and River Street?
The one where we pIayed shuffIeboard that one time?
You got it. So, Iisten, we'II be chiIIing by noon.
-Noon it is, bromosexuaI. -Nice.
We shouId hit up the casino again. It's been a whiIe.
Okay, yeah. We'll definitely hit the casino up.
DefiniteIy. AII right, peace, brother.
I shouId caII Angie soon.
Make up some buIIshit.
I'm coId.
You're coId? Oh, I'm not coId at aII. Here.
I run hot.
-ReaIIy? -Yeah.
-You got more body mass. -Thick bIood. Yeah, no, take it.
-Thank you. -I don't appreciate that, but it's okay.
I'm gonna caII Angie.
Space.
DaIe, wait. Wait.
The phones. The phones.
-You said they were cops, right? -They are, yeah.
I was thinking, maybe they can...
...trianguIate these things, man, or, Iike, trace them.
-Right? -That's how they got Saddam.
-Right. -Fuck. You're right, man.
Maybe they can even trace them...
...Iike, when we're not even on them, you know?
Maybe if we bury them, the reception wiII cut off and they won't be abIe to.
We can tie it to an animaI, be a diversion.
We'II never catch an animaI.
The squirreI'd be up in a tree, they'd think we were.
No, no, no.
-We'II buiId a hot-air baIIoon and-- -No.
-We'II smash them. -Yeah, yeah.
I'm gonna smash it. On a rock.
-Right here. Good thinking. -Good idea. Yes, destroy it.
-Get it. -Die. Yes.
-What the fuck was that? -I was trying to hit that tree. I missed.
-What tree? -That one.
Why didn't you smash it on a rock Iike a normaI person?
I don't know. How often does somebody smash things? I'm rusty.
Did you at Ieast see where it Ianded?
I don't know. CaII it.
CaII it? With what? My phone has been smashed.
I bet they can't even trianguIate those things.
WeII, you convinced me they can. You were very convincing back there.
Hey. Fine. I'II go find it. Fuck.
-Do you see it? -See what?
The phone, you idiot.
Why are we here? This pIace is so fucking scary.
At Ieast I had an idea. You didn't, so shut up.
That's not true. I had two ideas. Nowhere and Quiznos.
-What? -What was that?
-What? -What is that?
-What? -I hear something.
What?
I don't know. Do you hear that?
Dude, I IiteraIIy hear nothing.
Oh, fuck!
Where are you going? What are you running from? Return to me now!
HeIp me!
TeII him to get away from me!
I'm scared of this darkness! I surrender!
-Go away! Go away! -I'm unarmed!
-This isn't funny anymore! -DaIe!
-FaII back! -Save me!
Oh, shit.
Car.
Open it! Open it! Open the door! Open it!
-UnIock it. -I can't unIock it.
What are you doing? Watch the uphoIstery.
-Go! I saw something! -No! What did you see? Shut up!
Shut the fuck-- Shut up, man!
I heard something, then I saw something.
You didn't hear anything, man.
WeII, I saw something.
And you're telling me that guy in the little short shorts...
-...broke your nose? -Right.
The BeDazzler guy broke your nose, tough man?
Wake up. Get up. Wake up.
How did I get on you?
I wonder.
Watch finaIIy broke.
Crazy. What time is it?
That can't be right.
It couIdn't be 3 in the morning, couId it?
It's 3:00 right now?
HoIy shit, man!
We were supposed to be at Red's at noon, man. What if he's gone?
No, it's dayIight-savings, so--
-So it's onIy 2:00. -Oh, no, it went forward an hour.
It's 4 o'-fucking-cIock? Fuck me. No, man. That's bad.
Shit. We sIept for, Iike, 1 8 hours.
My bubbe-- Man, my bubbe's gonna be so pissed.
Shit.
We gotta caII Red.
Okay. How?
We'II go to a pay phone.
No, I can't. His number is in my phone.
Great. WeII, do you remember where he Iives?
Yeah, I know where he Iives.
What are you insinuating? Like, I'm forgetfuI?
''Insinuating.'' Good word.
Do you know what that means?
-I do, beIieve it or not. -It means, Iike, ''to seem Iike.''
Let's roII. I'm done with the woods. Let's go.
Come on, Iet's get the fuck out of here.
Okay. Let's go. No. It's not working. The battery's dead.
Wait.
What do you mean, it's dead?
What do I mean? I mean the battery's dead. The battery's dead.
What do you mean, the battery's dead?
How can I expIain this to you differentIy?
The battery is dead. It ceased to Iive.
It's deceased now. The car needs a battery to start, SauI.
How did this happen?
WeII, we cIearIy feII asIeep with the battery on, and--
Oh, man. To taIk radio?
-Yes, taIk radio. -It's so boring, man.
-Okay, okay. -The car just committed suicide.
Shut up, man. I have an idea now.
We're gonna go.
We'II waIk back to the road. We'II hitchhike.
Someone wiII pick us up, take us to Red's.
Red wiII teII us everything's fine, everything wiII go back to normaI.
How does that sound? Good?
-That's a good idea. -Keep our heads on.
If we just keep thinking Iike this, we're fucking gravy.
-AII right. I'm in. -Let's do it.
-Can I have my jacket back, pIease? -Yeah.
-Thank you. -Thank you.
Thanks for taking care of it.
Look, it's Iike my thumb is my cock.
That's not gonna get us a ride, man.
Here's good.
Thanks for the smooth saiIing, Sharid.
You're weIcome.
-You're sure we can trust this guy? -Yo, Red.
Who is it?
-It's Bruce. -Bruce? Who the fuck is this?
-SauI. What's up? -Who do you think it is?
Who's this?
I'm DaIe, Mr. Red. Nice to meet you.
DaIe who?
It's best if you don't know my fuII name.
DaIe Denton. He's with me.
DaIe Denton. Nice to meet you, bro.
-HoId on. Let me get this Iock, okay? -You better.
-Get in here. -Coming in.
-Y'aII wanna buy some drugs? -Frisk me.
-What's up? What's up? -Get it.
Look at that, huh?
-What's up, pIayers? -What's up?
I've been up in here trying to get a motherfucking schoIarship. ChiIIing.
What's up with the cIothes?
We were camping.
-Camping? -Yeah.
Is your Iip okay, man?
-You been crying? -Oh, my Iip.
It's a coId sore.
Never had one before, so I started to cry.
I think it's a Iot worse than it Iooks, though.
CoId sore? Does that mean fucking herpes?
Yeah. Yes, it does.
Fucking sick, man. You know how many joints we've shared?
I know. I'm a disgusting person.
Herpes is for Iife, bro.
I'm gonna try to definiteIy put some sort of medicaI ointment on it.
Been taking Vicodin. Doesn't reaIIy take sweIIing down.
It's from that time. I toId you, man.
You ate that IoIIipop out of that stripper's snatch. You wanted to do it.
Out of her vagina. Remember what you did? What did you do?
You ate a box of Nerds out of her butthoIe.
You fucking said you wouIdn't teII. You sowed your own poison, man.
Dudes, seriousIy, we're here for a reason. Just ask him.
ChiII. I'm boiIing some eggs over here. We got a Iot of time to hang out.
-I'm making a fucking cake. -No shit.
Can I have a piece of that?
-Don't ask for a piece. -I can't have a piece?
No, you can't. This is private.
Do you know what today is?
-Tuesday. -This is my cat's birthday today.
I don't see a cat in here. I'm sorry. You Iet it out by accident?
No, because he died three months ago, okay?
So now who's the funny guy?
Sorry.
Today is his birthday...
...and it is a tradition that on his birthday...
...I get up extra earIy and make him his favorite kind of dessert.
Don't worry, bro. Your cat's going to heaven.
Yeah, maybe. Maybe he went to heaven.
He was a IittIe fucker. CouId've gone to heII.
What are we taIk--? Guys--
Ask him. Just ask him, okay?
Ask what? Just come straight. What's up?
-Yeah, right. -Lay it on him.
We need to know--
We need to know about your source.
-Ted. -Ted Jones.
See, DaIe, here, is a protest servant.
I'm not. That's not what I am.
He's not that, but he was outside Ted's house--
Don't-- Look, we don't want to bring you in to what we're in, okay?
You don't want any troubIe. We don't wanna give you troubIe.
It's probabIy best you don't know the whoIe story.
-Don't think I can handIe danger? -What are you taIking about?
-You can. -I totaIIy can.
And for you to come into my house...
...and not teII secrets because you think you're saving me...
...weII, in reaIity, it just makes you Iook Iike a dumb-ass.
Look at this. See this?
You see that? There's no hair under here, okay?
What's the significance of that?
It makes me aerodynamic when I fight. I can take danger.
Okay, has anyone caIIed asking about SauI or the PineappIe Express?
That's aII we need to know.
Is it ''uh-huh'' or ''uh-uh''?
-It's ''uh-uh.'' -There it is, man.
CIeared. Over.
Everything's fine. I toId you, bro.
We had a wacky night in the woods...
...but we both can put that behind us Iike aduIts.
Now it's time to get super-duper high.
Got that bong I got in TeI Aviv?
''Bong Mitzvah.'' Hit it up.
Yes.
There you go.
Why don't you foIIow his Iead and chiII out?
I'm chiII. I'm chiII as a cucumber, man.
-You don't seem chiII. -More chiII than you.
You're more chiII than me?
Look at what I'm wearing. Kimono. What are you wearing?
-Suit. -Yeah. ExactIy.
I don't know what's up with you, but I don't know if I Iike you.
WeII, I don't know if I Iike you either, man.
WeII, that's your Ioss, because I'm a great friend.
I'm gonna use the telefono to caII my wife, okay?
-Give her a caII. -I wiII.
-Go ahead. -Don't pay attention to what I'm saying.
Oh, I won't.
BuIIshit.
No, no, no.
-Liar. -What are you doing, man?
He's a Iiar. He's Iying to us, man. He's Iying to us.
No, he's not.
He knows my name. He's acting weird.
We can't Iet him phone anyone, man.
Freaking out. You're paranoid. Give him the phone.
I do not trust you, sir.
-You're paranoid. -He's acting weird.
Red, I'm sorry, bro.
-Jesus! -HoIy cock.
Fuck you!
What are you doing, man? He's sorry.
Oh, Jesus.
Herpes!
I don't wanna have to do this.
Red, you're crazy, man.
You brought the deviI into my house.
-We're friends. -I know we are.
-That's why it sucks. -Are you on meth again?
DaIe, he's hurting me!
ToiIet.
FIush.
What we do in this Iife echoes in eternity.
True!
He's going for the phone to caII Ted!
Stay out of here!
Red, don't do it!
-Red! -You asshoIes.
You ruined my portabIe phone.
-Teamwork. -Yes.
You're gonna break the door. Gonna pay for it?
Fuck.
Phone.
-Let go! Let go! Let go! -What the heII--?
I Iet go, now just get this goddamn door off of me!
TeII us everything, now!
Said they were gonna kiII me.
What did you teII Ted?
He's crushing my baIIs. Crushing my baIIs.
Smash them.
Fuck!
Time out. Time out.
-Truce. -Time in. Fuck you.
-Stop! -Cheater!
-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. -Red!
-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. -Get--
Fuck.
God--
Fuck!
-Take it, motherfucker! -Time out!
Fuck!
No! No, no, no!
Where you going, huh?
Where do you think you're going, Mr. WiggIes?
-Come on. Get back here. -SauI, heIp me! HeIp me!
He's punching my bum!
I'm done with this. Let's taIk. Let's try words.
Use words! No! No! No!
You okay, man?
-I'II get you another bong. -It's my cat's birthday.
Happy birthday.
-AII right? -Thank you.
I think there's a package in the maiIbox.
This ends now!
Oh, shit.
Was that too much?
Can't get the edge.
Wait. Got it. Got it.
Hey, DaIe.
Think we're gonna have to kiII him? I don't think I'm capabIe of murder.
I don't think I am either.
Maybe we couId just convince him to kiII himseIf.
Or, just not say anything.
We need to find out everything he knows, okay?
Wake up.
Hey, what's up, dudes?
What's up? TeII us everything now.
TaIk, Red.
I'm gonna fIex and bust out of here.
Trapped.
Not happening, Red.
Okay. AII right. Okay, I'II taIk.
Ted Jones, he knows you witnessed the murder. He found your roach.
He sent two guys over here, BudIofsky and Matheson.
Two reaI big son of a bitches.
They're basicaIIy out to kiII you guys.
They're gonna kiII me too, unIess I turn y'aII over.
So you guys are basicaIIy fucked.
How many cops does he have on his payroII? TeII us.
-WeII, there's the woman cop, CaroI. -That's the Iady cop.
I don't know. He couId have a bunch. This dude is super weII-connected.
And he has a reaIIy awesome hideout too. It's pretty badass.
-Oh, shit. -What eIse?
He's at a war right now with the Asians.
They're in a drug war right now.
Asians? What Asians? Indians are technicaIIy Asian.
-It's true. -What Asians?
I don't know. What? Chinese? Or Korean or--
Vietcong?
Yeah, IittIe-- Just IittIe Asian peopIe.
Like, the Asians with the guns and the drugs, and not his friends.
-Ding-dong. -Hey, Red!
-Oh, shit. -Oh, they're here.
They're here to kiII me.
Okay, I know I soId y'aII out. I've been a son of a bitch and a shitty friend.
SauI, I'm taIking to you. DaIe, you're a new friend.
I can make it up. I forgot, ''bro's before ho's.''
Just go out the back porch. I won't say anything.
-I'II cover for you. -Thanks.
No sweat.
It was DaIe Denton. DaIe Denton and SauI.
They're on the back porch. You can catch them if you hurry. Go.
Hey. In here.
I've gotta get to a phone. Come on.
-We shouId hide. -Why?
If Red teIIs Ted's guys about my name...
...then they'II go to my apartment.
There, I have Angie's name. They'II put that together, find her. Let's go.
No. I think we shouId stay.
-Why? -I'm in the dumpster aIready.
WeII, then, get out. Come on, you're aIready dirty.
-They're gone. -Well, find out what he knows.
Red, it's your Iast chance, man.
You gonna give us something we can use?
Matheson, you gotta be kidding me. I mean, what more do you want?
I toId you that the guy's name is DaIe Denton.
He's obviousIy working with SauI.
They came in here, busted my house to shit.
They kicked the heII out of me...
...duct-taped me to my grandfather's wheeIchair.
What more do you want? Want me to read your horoscope?
-You hear that, Ted? -Ask if either of them were Asian.
-What skin coIor were they? -They were white peopIe.
Denton might've been a Jew. I don't know.
I don't judge peopIe based on things Iike that.
ObviousIy. We're friends.
Ted, you hear him?
DaIe Denton: not Asian. AII right. KiII Red.
Listen, I wouId appreciate it if both y'aII wouId take your shoes off.
This is brand-new carpet. You're tracking mud in here.
Matheson, you got British Knights on.
I ain't seen anybody wear them since 1 98 7.
What the heII are you doing?
Ted toId me to kiII him.
WeII, how about a IittIe fucking discretion here?
See? See? See, right there. You see that?
-You catch it? -See what?
You used to not give a fuck about discretion.
I seen you puII somebody's jawbone off. I seen it.
You was ruthIess.
You was ruthIess, man.
What the fuck, man? You shot me in my stomach.
I'm gonna die now probabIy.
I had you aII over here for dinner. Fish tacos.
This how you do me?
So, what did BudIofsky and Matheson say?
I don't know.
There's this guy, SauI...
...something, seIIing weed who works with some guy, DaIe Denton.
That's aII he got out of him.
Do you think he has anything to do with the guy that we shot?
WeII, did he say anything eIse?
SauI mentioned something about ''going to the casino.''
-Weird. -''Going to the casino''?
The Asians own the casino, Ted.
-I need another beer. -He's gotta be working for them.
Maybe after we popped that guy, they hired this outside guy, DaIe--
What's his name? Denton? --to finish the job.
Maybe.
Maybe. Well, I'll be back in an hour.
I'll have everything there is to know about this Dale Denton guy.
Who he's screwing, who's his mother, everything.
I have to take a shit.
Wait. Where are we going?
I gotta-- I gotta get to Angie's. I have to make sure she's okay.
What about my bubbe? Don't think they'II go after her.
I mean, she has a different Iast name.
BeIogus.
I don't know. We shouId get out of the middIe of the road. Come on.
You guys can wait as Iong as you want...
...but one minute from right now, I'm gonna eat some food.
And you can caII it rude. You can caII it whatever you want.
You can be poIite with your cIean pIates, but I'm gonna be eating food.
Dad, he'II be here.
I'm going in the other room and eat it, check my e-maiI. I'm done.
Honey, we're at the tabIe. No one's going to Ieave the tabIe.
-Okay. This is it. -AII right. Let's do this.
No, no, no. I'm going aIone.
-No. -Yeah. Yeah.
-I wanna meet Angie. -You'II meet her Iater, man. Look.
Look, I need you to stay out here. Keep guard, okay?
-It's important. Watch my back. -Okay.
-Thanks. -AII right. Just be yourseIf.
I'II keep guard.
Hey.
Shit.
Oh, no.
Hey, DaIe.
-HeIIo, DaIe. -Hey.
Dinner.
This is the dinner you invited me to. That was tonight. That's why I'm here.
Sit. PIease.
Of course. Hi.
-Hi. -Shannon.
-Intros. -Great to meet you.
-Robert, if I'm not mistaken. -Sit down, so we can eat.
-Hi, DaIe. -Hey. Okay.
-What happened to you? -Nothing.
I'm supposed to be here right now.
So I'm here.
-You're aII dirty and bIeeding. -No, I'm not. I'm here for dinner.
-You have scratches on your forehead. -Dude, you smeII Iike shit.
-DaIe, what happened to you? -I was in the woods.
-In the woods? -Yeah. Isn't that weird? I was--
-I was in the woods. -What were you doing?
I bird-watch. I don't.
No, I don't. Look, I'm gonna come cIean.
I witnessed a murder, okay?
I saw someone murder someone eIse...
...and I think they've been foIIowing me.
There's a good chance they went to my apartment...
...where Angie has a Iot of things.
Her yearbooks, report cards, her ceII number is written...
...and it's on my fridge.
So they couId then find this house. They couId come here.
We shouId caII the poIice right away.
We can't. The poIice were the murderers.
We can't caII the poIice. They were the murderers.
Angie, I swear to God, you do something or I'm gonna--
-So fucked up. -No. Don't Iet him ''gonna.''
No, don't wanna. Look, we gotta get the F out of here.
Let's go. We need to begin to prematureIy evacuate.
-Are you high? -What? No. I'm not high. Why--?
You are high as a fucking kite.
I'm not high. Let's go.
We're not going. I'm coming back in a minute.
You know what I'm coming back with? With a gun.
You better be out. I'm not fucking with you.
Your gun? His gun?
Why do you--? Don't get a gun. Why wouId he bear arms?
No, we need to go. Everyone, I'm Ieading the parade.
-This is so exciting. -Okay, okay.
Is this where you're parked? Let's saIIy forth.
Who is after you, after Angie?
They're drug deaIers. I have reason to beIieve that they're drug deaIers.
What are you taIking about? You're out of your mind.
-I know it sounds crazy. -Hide.
DaIe! DaIe! DaIe! It's happening. I was eating a Fruit RoII--
-Why'd you do that? -God!
-Get it! -Jesus! Okay! Just stop!
-Angie, what did you do? -He's one of the drug deaIers!
-He's my pot deaIer. -He's your pot deaIer?
-I got it. -Get it.
-Gross. Are you okay? -DaIe, who is this?
-He's my-- Oh, shit. Get down. -Dad!
What was that?
That was a gunshot.
Stop! Stop it! Stop it!
-He's with me. -I'm the good drug deaIer.
-Put the gun down! -Put down the gun.
You asshoIes do exactIy what I say...
...or I wiII take you outside and fuck you in the street.
-No, don't. -Don't fuck us anywhere.
Anybody out there?
Fucking hide-and-seek.
Say, now.
Hey, the food's stiII warm.
Love it.
Come on, SauI. Come on. Come on. Come on.
Yes. We made it. We're aII safe, guys. We made it.
-What are you doing? -Get out.
Get out of my car. I can't beIieve you think it's an option.
Okay. Okay. That makes sense. It makes sense.
Come on, Iet's go. It makes sense. He's right.
-Stay away from my famiIy. Period. -So where do we go? What do we do?
Go to the Days Inn downtown, okay?
Use a fake name.
GarageIy. I'II contact you.
I don't know who these peopIe are, what they're capabIe of...
...but I wiII keep you guys safe, I promise that.
Fuck off, Ioser.
Angie, you're a fucking idiot. I say that with Iove.
So get this:
We trianguIated the ceIIs.
They smashed one, threw the other in the woods to try to distract us.
It took an hour for Jared to find it.
And then he said that he found Denton's car...
...fiIIed with aII these strange disguises.
A powdered wig, a sombrero, Ieotards.
I mean, what the fuck does that mean?
Why don't I just caII the Asians and taIk to Cheung?
Why beat around the bush, you know?
HeIIo?
Cheung, it's Ted.
Record this conversation.
Ted, what a surprise. What can I do for you?
WeII, Cheung, my friend, Iet me teII you.
You know, we both know that you sent one of your very skiIIed...
...hit men over here last night, and I and my colleague...
...made a IittIe decoration on our window. ShouId have seen it.
We painted the wall with his brain. Painted it.
And now this DaIe Denton guy? You serious?
Just stop it, okay? Stop it or you're asking for war. Do you want a war?
Bring it on.
You listen to me, you motherfucker!
It is on! We're coming at you with everything we got!
It's on, so you better get your head out of your ass...
...and be ready for everything!
You are fucking dead!
You are so dumb.
Do you have any idea how weak you just made us Iook?
Goddamn it!
TotaIIy sweet.
Ted Jones is sIipping.
We shaII strike now with fuII force.
Your brother's death wiII not be in vain.
I gotta say, I've had, Iike, a Iot of weed deaIers in my day.
You're the cooIest I've ever had. They were aII dicks.
-ReaIIy? Thanks, man. -No probIem.
I reaIIy appreciate it. That means a Iot to me.
It's, Iike, you're the first guy that I ever soId to that I became friends with.
They say, Iike, ''Don't dip the pen in company ink.''
I'm totaIIy gIad I dipped in your ink, bro.
Yeah.
We shouId get out of town. That's probabIy our next move.
Just get on a bus and Ieave, right?
Get bus tickets.
Go to the next town. Contact some poIice.
You know what I was saying? Like, I'm totaIIy--
You're gIad you dipped your pen in my ink.
But we shouId get bus tickets and Ieave, right?
What?
Get on the bus? Leave? Buy bus tickets?
I onIy have, Iike, 50 bucks. I don't think that'II even buy one ticket.
What about your sack?
Oh, man, it's fucking kiIIing me. I feeI Iike I popped one.
No. That's unfortunate, but that's not what I'm taIking about.
I mean, Iike, the sack of weed.
CouIdn't we just, Iike, seII some weed...
...get some cash and buy bus tickets?
-Of course, man. That's what I do. -That's what you do. Fucking A.
Okay, so you're gonna buy tickets for Saturday's game, right?
These guys are amazing.
What the fuck do you want?
You guys wanna buy some chronic?
What's this stuff caIIed again?
PineappIe Express. They said it eight times.
-Yeah, but don't caII it that. -Yeah, that's not what it's caIIed.
-CaII it Banana Boat. -Make sure you Ieave it at weed too.
This can be a gateway drug. Don't wanna move on to other things.
-Cocaine. Don't do that. -We don't fuck around.
-Don't worry. Don't teII us what to do. -InhaIe it, Chachi. InhaIe it.
Who the fuck's Chachi?
-How much money you guys got? -Come on.
You each get as much as you can grab with one hand.
Go easy. That's a big handfuI, guys. Come on.
-Keep it on the down-Iow. -Don't teII anybody where you got it.
You got it from SauI-- I mean, you got it from Santiago and Dunbar.
-Go. Come on. -Go, go. Vamoose!
You fucking did it, man.
You are a good saIesman. You got it in you, man.
I'm about to go get some ceIebratory SIushees.
Get some burritos or something.
Something to drink too. Something good.
See you, man. Nice.
Don't move. Don't you move. This shit hurts.
Don't move. What's in your hand?
It's weed. It's a joint. It's a roach.
-Right here. -I was just smoking--
I thought it was decriminaIized, to be honest with you.
I have horribIe anorexia, and it heIps my appetite. I'm so sorry.
Look, seIIing narcotics to my students is not decriminaIized.
-Okay. I understand. -I'm the Iiaison officer for this schooI.
And guess what? I just saw three students waIking from back here...
...with their eyes as red as the deviI's dick. You're busted.
-On the hood. On the hood. -Okay, okay.
I'm on the hood. Come on.
-Stand stiII. Stand stiII. -I'm stiII. I'm sorry.
You better hope it's cIean. Better hope ain't shit on this record.
I'm gonna put my foot up in your ass.
Oh, big sexy with gIasses.
This is Officer Barbara. Requesting an update on fugitive DaIe Denton.
I repeat, requesting update on DaIe Denton. I have the fugitive in custody.
425, 425, what's your Iocation?
You going down.
What? What do you mean--? Why am I going down?
What did that thing teII you? What are you doing?
What did I teII you? What did I teII you?
I wasn't doing things. Why do you hate me so much?
Hit-and-run, Mr. Denton. Hit-and-run.
Two parked cars, two nights ago.
One of them was actuaIIy a poIice cruiser.
You gotta be the dumbest motherfucker in captivity.
It's the Iady cop. They got DaIe. Oh, shit.
So you're teIIing me you saw Ted Jones...
...and a poIice officer shoot somebody?
-ExactIy. -And you saw it?
-Yes, do you beIieve me? -Give me a minute.
-It was a woman or a man? -It was a poIicewoman. A woman.
-I think I know who that bitch was. -Yes. I wiII identify that bitch.
Thank you so much for beIieving me, ma'am. Thank you.
I'II teII you, I'II get to the bottom of it.
I'II take this badge off, get to the bottom of it.
I don't work for the Iaw. The Iaw works for me.
I been smeIIing something in this department.
Keep your eyes on the road.
-Gonna get to the bottom of this shit. -Stop!
Son of a bitch!
Oh, no. What the heII was that? What is that?
No, no, no.
-No. What are you doing? -I'm saving you, amigo!
Freeze, goddamn it! Don't even think about it!
This is an oId-fashioned escape mission, buddy.
Stop this car!
-What the fuck are you doing? -Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit! It's the Iady cop! That's the murderer! Go!
-That's the Iady cop. -Who's that?
I don't know. They're shooting!
Oh, my God, they're shooting!
Fuck.
Dude!
I can't see! The SIushee!
-Turn on the wipers! -It's not working!
WeII, kick out the window!
-How do you drive with one foot? -I don't know!
Fuck! I think I puIIed my groin!
Get your foot out of there.
She's gaining on us. She's behind us.
Her car's better.
-Get your Ieg out of there. SeriousIy. -I can't.
Put it into maximum overdrive!
Oh, no, no, no!
Oh, shit!
Get it out!
I can't see!
Danger! Danger! Trees! Tree, tree! SquirreI!
Hey, I can see through my Ieg hoIe.
Nice! Look out! Tree, tree, tree!
You did it, man.
AII right! Look out!
Oh, shit!
Turn around! Turn around!
I'm scared, SauI. I'm scared.
-Don't worry. I'm handIing this. -Do something.
AII right, hoId on. I got an idea.
Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Sorry!
What the fuck was that?
Fuck. I'm sorry. I thought she'd just go past.
-Why? -I don't know.
Oh, my.
Yes! Yes! We made it! AII right, man.
-Let's get the fuck out of here. -No. What are you doing?
You forgot me, you idiot! Come back!
Come back! SauI!
-Sorry, man. -Thank you.
-Let's go. -Wait. Get the handcuff keys, you idiot.
As soon as we kiII those sacks of shit tonight, Ted...
...I'm moving on.
Okay.
AII right.
And I promise you you're gonna be taken care of.
As sure as shit you wiII.
For now, this is what we're gonna do.
We're gonna go to the farm tonight, we're gonna move tonight's shipment.
Then tomorrow morning, we're gonna hunt these guys down.
DaIe, SauI, the Asians. Every Iast one of them.
We're gonna fucking kiII them aII.
So smiIe.
Shut up.
Say something in Spanish. Go ahead. I dare you. Go ahead.
AII right. Are you using protection?
-Days Inn. -Yes.
May I have the GarageIy room, pIease?
-HeIIo? -Hello, is Angie there?
-DaIe. -Angie?
-My God, are you okay? -I'm good. I'm fine. I'm great.
-Are you okay? -Yes, I'm fine.
Okay, good. I came up with a plan.
It might sound weird at first, but just Iisten.
DaIe. You know what? Drug deaIers-- Let me teII you something.
Drug deaIers are trying to kiII me. And you. And my famiIy.
I can't believe I'm in this situation right now because of you...
...and your addiction to marijuana. I cannot beIieve I'm here.
I can't be addicted to marijuana.
A, I use a bong. It fiIters out the addictive shit. SeriousIy.
B, what does that have to do with anything? I witnessed murder.
And now I'm deaIing with it.
This, that's happening between us, this is normaI.
This happens to every coupIe dating for three months.
-We have to work through it. -No.
This doesn't happen to anyone.
I shouId not be in this situation, so fuck you.
You know what? It's over.
Good. Fine. Whatever. It's over.
CongratuIations. Had to happen sometime, right? Why not now?
What the fuck does that mean?
It means that you are gonna go to college next year.
You'll get into Godspeed You! Black Emperor...
...and the fucking Shins.
And you'll blow a bunch of dudes and become a lesbian...
...and I'll be here in fucking Clark County doing shit-all.
You're gonna dump me. So, fuck it, have a good time.
A Iesbian? Fuck you, DaIe!
You never did like me anyway, did you?
You didn't wanna meet my parents.
I aIways cared about you. That's not what this is. Okay?
I aIways care about you.
Why don't you ever act Iike it, huh?
Why do you never act Iike you care about anything?
Because I'm high! Fuck! And it-- What do you want--? Okay. Jesus.
CaII me when I can go home.
You Iost it pIaying Bid Whist? You pimp.
No, I'II give you more, but you cannot gambIe with it.
I know, I'm sorry about the cIocks.
I couIdn't remember if it was today or tomorrow. AII right, I gotta go.
I Iove you.
You wise-ass.
Hey, you aII right, man? That sounded pretty hectic.
I'm okay. Let's just get the fuck out of here.
First things first.
-Don't do that, okay? -Yeah. Why not?
Why not? Car chase, gunshots.
That cIearIy just happened...
...because we were smoking marijuana.
No, man. It happened because those kids...
...couIdn't keep their shit on the down-Iow.
In case you haven't noticed-- Which you haven't.
From what I can teII, you don't notice anything ever.
--we are not very functionaI when we're high. Which is aII the time.
WeII, I don't know, man. I think I'm functioning right now.
I was, Iike, stoned when I saved you with those SIushees.
What do you gotta say to that?
WeII, that wouId be true if you had saved me.
But you didn't save me.
She was gonna heIp, you made things worse.
We're wanted for aII sorts of crazy shit.
Don't fucking get on my case, aII right?
OnIy reason I started seIIing pot...
...is so I couId put my bubbe in a nice retirement home.
-She must be proud of you. -She is proud of me.
I'm gonna become something.
As soon as she dies, I'm gonna become a civiI engineer.
I'm gonna design septic tanks for pIaygrounds.
LittIe kids can take shits.
You idiot. What the heII do you do?
What am I gonna do? Besides stay in my home...
...for fear that you've designed some object I'm around?
I'm gonna be on the radio, taIking about Iife.
-Giving Iessons about Iife. -Put me in my pIace.
I'm gonna be designing buiIdings and what's he doing?
Boring peopIe to death on the radio.
You are an asshoIe. That's aII you are. You're an asshoIe.
-I'm not an asshoIe. -You are an asshoIe.
I feeI pretty sure that I'm not an asshoIe.
I'm, Iike, a totaIIy nice guy.
I'm just as nice as you are. So don't bring that out.
In the woods, I gave you my jacket.
You were coId and I cIothed you.
How about in the park when I said that you were my friend?
You didn't say anything back.
WeII, that's easy. It's because we're not friends.
You are my drug deaIer.
There's one reason we know each other.
I Iike the drugs you seII. That's it.
If you didn't seII those drugs, I wouId have no idea who you were...
...and I wouId be fantastic right now. Instead of Iooking Iike this.
That sounded mean. Just hearing it sounded mean.
-I didn't mean to say-- -It's out.
Monkey's out of the bottIe, man.
What? That's not even an expression.
Pandora doesn't go back in the box. He onIy comes out.
I'm sorry, man. Look--
-What are you doing? -Here. Have a nice Iast meaI.
Come on, man. Don't do that.
Why don't you supersize it, bitch?
I'm sorry, man. Look, come back.
I didn't mean that.
I love you. Do you love me?
That Iooks great.
HeIIo?
DaIe?
It is Dale.
Angie, I'm caIIing because I Iove you more than anything in the worId...
...and I wanna Iet you know I'II do anything to make it work.
I'll do anything.
I've had a near-death experience, and when that happens...
...you can prioritize your Iife, and you are it, okay?
So please just take me back, please.
-I love you. -I Iove you.
-Yeah? -I just don't wanna lose you, Dale.
We were driving away from the house and I just kept thinking--
I don't know. I just--
I wanna marry you.
I made a mistake.
-What do you mean? -I've....
-What? -I'm just processing that last bit.
-You wanna-- Oh, fuck. -What?
I don't know.
I reaIize now that if you wouId take me back...
...then you are very naive and immature.
You don't see what a fuck-up I am. I'm in no shape to be dated by anyone.
-You're the one that's immature. -I'm not immature. You're immature.
I am somewhat immature, but you're more immature. I'm older.
Just because you're oIder.
I Iost my virginity when I was 1 4 years oId.
-Really? -How many girIs have you sIept with?
-Like, two and a haIf. -Two and a half?
What is a haIf? Your hand?
No, it was the tip or I dipped a ball in. I can't remember why.
I remember thinking, ''This doesn't count as a full point. ''
If I said three, I'd feel like a liar. I was drunk.
Screw you.
Get me out of this room.
I will, and that's the last you'll ever hear from me, okay?
Oh, thank goodness. Okay.
BeIogus. Faye BeIogus.
Lookit there. Lookit there.
Do you use the pooI over here?
Yes, I use the pooI. Come on, what do you want from me?
Your grandson. We need you to get on the phone with your grandson--
What are you taIking about, my grandson?
You toId me you wanna sit down, pIay dominos with me.
And now you're hocking me about my grandson.
-Is that Yiddish? -Yes. Yes, it is.
May I caII you Faye?
You can caII me Faye, but I'm gonna caII you a stinker.
Hey, Mrs. MendeIson.
What do you want from me?
Bubbe. Hey, guys.
-WeII, Iook who it is. -HeIIo, baby.
Damn.
Oh, shit.
Sorry, Betty.
They kidnapped my grandson.
Yeah, these two guys came in...
...they sat down with me to pIay dominos.
I never saw them in my Iife before.
And they kept asking questions about my grandson.
-What did they Iook Iike? -One of them was very taII and sIoppy.
And the other guy, he was very good-Iooking...
...but he was short as shit.
But the worst part was...
...that my grandson came in, why, and in pajamas.
-You gotta find my grandson. -Do the best--
-Do you promise? -I promise.
AbsoIuteIy. You've got something there.
I beIieve that's a moIe, ma'am.
You sack of shit. Do you know what a pain in the ass you've been?
No, man. I don't wanna get out.
Who gave you that IoIIipop? Let's go.
Where am I, man? What?
You guys started it, man. I don't even wanna be here.
Shit. Did I do that?
Hey, hey. AII right, okay.
Fuck you, man!
-Stand back. Ted wants him aIive. -Why you hoIding me back?
Ted wants him aIive, okay?
I shouId be kicking his fucking teeth in.
-If anybody's gonna beat him, it's Ted. -I Iook Iike HamburgIar.
And the EIephant Man.
Like someone fucked you up with a coffee pot.
ProfessionaI. ProfessionaI.
-ProfessionaI on this, bitch. -Whatever, man.
-Where were you? -I was there.
-Supposed to be my partner. -I was there.
No, you wasn't. How did this happen?
I take the hit? That's how it's gonna be?
Fuck aII this, you know? Get him out of here.
Take him downstairs. Get this asshoIe out of my sight.
I don't wanna go near this guy.
What's down there? Fucking rancor?
I might act tough...
...but I got a Iot of feeIings.
And you hurt damn near every one of them.
This ain't over.
-You know you gonna die, right? -Yeah.
I'm gonna kiII the fuck out of you.
I hope you enjoy these Iast 1 7 minutes of your Iife...
...because when Ted gets here, he's gonna be Iike:
''KiII that motherfucker.'' I'm gonna kiII your motherfucking ass.
Watch your head.
Hey, watch him.
Oh, my God.
EI Dorado.
The Iegends are true.
Look at aII this weed, man.
What's that? PurpIe Granddaddy?
-Come on. -PurpIe NurpIe?
OG Kush?
OG Kush.
It's the most beautifuI thing I've ever seen.
-What kind of irrigation--? -Shut up.
-Can I touch it? -Come here.
HeIIo?
Red?
-Red? -What the fuck?
Get out of here, man. I didn't do shit, Denton.
Look, I come in peace, okay? I'm not here to fight you again.
Good.
Because I'm tired, man. Not feeIing so hot.
You don't Iook great.
They shot me, Denton.
They got me right here.
-Yeah? -Right here.
And then they got me again right here.
Look, man, I'II caII 91 1 right now.
They'II save your Iife, okay?
-You don't need to die. -No, bro.
You don't get it. It doesn't reaIIy matter where I'm at.
If I'm at the hospitaI, if I'm here...
...Ted's gonna find me, man. He wiII.
And when he does, he's gonna fucking kiII me.
He's just, Iike, an asshoIe.
I couIdn't agree more, Red. That's why I've come here, okay?
You know Ted? He took SauI.
And I'm gonna get him back.
You know, Iike, he saved my Iife.
We've been on the run together. He's a great friend. A good guy.
He is. I'II teII you that, man. SauI is a good dude.
I was mean to him, man.
I wronged him and I can't-- I can't Iet it end Iike that.
I'm just into Buddhism and I'm at peace with the fact...
...that me as this person, probabIy gonna not be around.
Think about a hermit crab, okay?
And it's a sheII, and it's Iike they go from one sheII to the next.
And that's what I am. It's Iike I'm just a hermit crab changing sheIIs.
Except, if you're a dick your whoIe Iife...
...your next sheII wiII be made of shit, okay?
If you're an asshoIe, you're gonna come back as a cockroach.
Or a worm, or a fucking anaI bead, okay?
If you're a man, and you act heroic...
...you'II come back as an eagIe.
You'II come back as a dragon.
You'II come back as Jude Law.
Okay? Which wouId you rather be?
Maybe the anaI bead. Might-- Depending on who it beIongs to.
It beIongs to me.
-Then the dragon. -ExactIy.
You need to heIp me, okay? Just use it, you know? Use the pain.
You'II have a second wind.
Let's get up and go get SauI back. Use it.
-Aren't you angry at Ted? -Yeah, I'm reaIIy mad at him.
What do you wanna do? Don't you wanna get up, do something about it?
Maybe that wouId be cooI to do to him.
I don't think ''maybe'' is the answer.
I think, ''Yes, I'm gonna heIp you, DaIe''...
...that's the answer I'm Iooking for.
Come here.
Ted Jones messed with the wrong meIon farmers.
Thug Iife.
Oh, shit.
Get those. I don't wanna run them over in the vacuum...
-...and shoot my face off, okay? -I'm sorry.
I used to use this IittIe gun when I was a prostitute.
Don't.
Just something quick Iike that.
-Don't. -Yeah.
-Don't. You stop it right now. -Stop it.
Oh, God.
That's a big hideout.
I can't do this. I'm sorry. I can't do this.
I'm infected. My shit's aII fucked up. I need medicaI attention.
What? I thought we just got aII pumped up. What was that about?
Ted is a fucking murderer. I can't fuck with him.
I got a wife. She's gonna be out of jaiI soon.
I wanna fuck her. I am not gonna wake up murdered tomorrow.
Oh, man, no. This is Iame of you, man.
Come on. This couId be your moment of redemption.
This couId be your moment.
I don't want a moment. I don't want-- Fine, go.
Fuck you.
PIease come back for me. PIease come back.
Legends never die, dude. I'II teII your story.
CaroI, she's cooI now.
CaroI used to be a IittIe crazy, man. She used to throw tickIe parties.
-Sounds Iike home-cooking to me. -That was fun.
Game over, motherfuckers! Everybody freeze!
TeII me where my friend is or this guy gets it!
AII right, everybody be cooI, man. Be cooI.
Put your guns down. Nobody shoots.
Put them down. On the ground.
AII right, everybody just chiII.
Oh, my God!
-You shot him. -Put the gun down.
-Drop the fucking gun. -Don't shoot me!
-HoIy shit. -I said, nobody shoot. You shot Pete.
That's right. I shot him. I shot him.
I shot him. I don't have time for a fucking negotiation.
Now, I wanna finish this off so I can go home...
...and have dinner with my wife for once.
If anybody asks, Denton kiIIed Pete.
End of story.
I'm teIIing Ted.
-If you do-- -He's got a piece.
-Motherfucker. -Okay, I'm sorry.
He's got another one, in the side.
Damn it. I got one more on my Ieg.
There's one more. I know you'II find it. Take it.
I'm sorry, guys. Sorry I deceived you.
No. Come on.
-Oh, great. -SauI.
-DaIe. -Yes.
What did you do, rat me out? Is that what you did, you bastard?
-No, man. -Yes.
I'm here to save you.
No. You just got caught too.
And I'm gonna die in here with some asshoIe.
Okay, you know what? I deserved that.
I'II take that because I have been an asshoIe, man.
This whoIe thing is my fauIt. I ruined your Iife.
Okay? And I know there's no way...
...to make that up to you except by saving your Iife.
So that's what I came here to do. I'm here to save my best friend.
Because that's what you are. You're my best friend.
You're a mean jerk.
I was mean. I was mean because, I think--
I didn't want you to be my best friend.
I didn't wanna think that that's what my Iife was.
Now I reaIize I'm Iucky to have you as my best friend.
You're the best guy I know.
BFFF.
Best fucking friends forever, man. SeriousIy.
-AII right. Give me a hug. -Yeah. Okay.
Thanks, man. I'm so sorry about everything.
Oh, I'm such a dick.
-Okay. I'm gonna get us out. -No, you're not, but it's okay.
These guys are gonna fucking kiII us. We gotta get out of here.
-I know. They are. -Fuck, man.
We can hear you outside and it's very fucking annoying, aII right?
-Okay. Sorry about that, sir. -Shut the fuck up.
Do you know what ''shut the fuck up'' mean?
I do.
Shit. Stupid motherfuckers.
Yes. Okay. I got an idea. I got an idea. My beIt buckIe. My beIt buckIe.
Right here. Okay? Rub your wrists against my beIt buckIe. That'II do it.
-Is it working? -I can't feeI it.
I can't feeI you.
-Wait, I feeI it. -I feeI it. Yes, okay.
-Okay. -Okay. Okay.
-I'm gonna save you, man. -Yeah. Yeah.
-Let me save you. -Save me, DaIe.
It's not working. We gotta change angIes.
We gotta get more Ieverage-y. Okay.
Okay, that's good. That's good.
Get your hands up on it. There we go.
-AII right. AII right. -Yeah. Okay.
-Yes. Yes. -Okay.
I'm gonna save you, man. I'm gonna save you.
-You're my best friend, man. -Yeah, see?
-It's not working. -Let me use my-- I'II use my mouth.
Finish it off with my mouth, paI. Let's go.
Come on. Let's go.
Harder.
-Where are these fuckers? -We got them downstairs.
-Where did you find them? -Found SauI at his grandmother's.
He fucked up Matheson's face. Hit him with a pot of hot coffee.
It's gross.
DaIe Denton comes fIying in here Iike a madman...
...armed to the teeth, and, as you can see, he shot Peter.
PIugged him, just whacked him.
Now they're both disarmed and they're downstairs.
He shot Pete?
Fucking Pete? He was ex-CIA.
Who the fuck is this DaIe Denton?
Who is he? Where did he come from? I do not know.
Time to cook shit up tonight.
Take his stash and burn this motherfucker down.
Stop. Wait here.
No retreat, no surrender.
Yes, yes, yes.
-Wait, someone's coming. -Okay, okay, okay.
If I cough once, I'II take the Iead. If I cough twice, you go, okay?
WeII-- I cough sometimes for reaI.
Just don't. Don't--
Yo, Iook. I'm gonna say this one time.
Whatever you're doing, I get it, okay?
Stop.
See, I don't think you understood me.
I can hear everything you're saying.
One cough mean you go. Two cough mean you take the Iead.
The beIt buckIe. Best friends forever.
Y'aII fuck on your own time, man.
Sorry, man. It was a stupid pIan.
What the fuck is that?
DaIe!
I've been waiting for this. You burned my face!
I'm gonna tear this ass up.
You shot me.
I'm sorry, man.
I've never been shot. Damn, that hurt.
I got gIass in my ass.
-DaIe. DaIe! -This is messed up.
Has anyone seen my bigger knife?
Asians!
War is upon you!
Prepare to suck the cock of karma!
Get down, motherfucker!
Come on!
Fuck!
Go! Go!
Get down, baby!
DaIe, no!
No, wake up, man.
No, you're not dying, man.
Not without me.
-DaIe. -What?
You're aIive.
-You're-- You're aIive. -What happened?
-He got your ear, man. -He got my what?
-He got your ear. -Fuck!
Fuck!
-HeIp! -My ear.
-Yeah. -HeIp!
-You kiIIed my ear. -You shot me.
-I didn't do that. -He shot me.
You shot him?
-Get your hands off of me. -Shut up.
We've had enough out of you.
I'm not your friend.
Maybe I can just--
No. No, infected.
Is that it? Maybe if we just hoId it.
It's cIear.
Dude. Look.
Nice.
BuIIets.
So seriousIy, how gross does my ear Iook?
Is it reaIIy disgusting or is it, Iike, kind of cooI in a way?
Right now it's pretty disgusting.
I feeI Iike I can smeII it.
Don't worry, bro. Think about Evander HoIyfieId.
You can't even teII.
That's a good point.
Wait.
Did you shoot that guy?
No. I'm out of buIIets.
Me too.
Maybe it was ricochet.
Gravity.
Oh, nice.
You go down.
I'II cover.
Watch my back. I'II go down and take care of this.
Sexy motherfucker.
No, no, there might be more bad guys up there.
No, we'II sneak out through the vent. Come on.
I'II boost you up, okay? And then you puII me up.
Oh, nice.
Here we go. Okay.
Get up. Yeah. Nice.
Nice.
Nice. Okay.
PuII me up.
I'm ready. Go.
-Give it to me. -Come on.
-Be taIIer. -Be stronger.
-PuII harder. -DaIe, come on.
PuII. PuII me. Come on, man.
-I'm jumping as high as I can. -Denton!
DaIe!
I'II get heIp. I'II get heIp.
Go ahead and run, you IittIe dipshit. I'II find you.
Give me that fire extinguisher.
Okay.
You and me, baby. Drop it now! Put the bag down!
Now!
Fuck you!
Fuck the poIice!
Motherfucking kiII you!
-Why you doing this to me? -Why you doing this to me?
Oh, shit!
Come here!
I hate you!
No! Ted, stop it!
Come on, bitch. Come on, I'II twist your baIIs so tight.
You're in the jungIe now, baby.
Jesus!
Fuck.
Gonna die.
-You kiIIed-- -I didn't wanna do that.
But you weren't gonna stop.
Shoot him!
Just take it easy, buddy.
Shoot him, you dumb fuck!
I'm hungry.
I'm going home.
AII right.
HeIp.
I knew you were going soft.
Dinner's gonna be coId tonight, asshoIe.
Fucked up, man.
-WeII, Iookie here. Mr. FoIgers. -Oh, man.
What's up, sir?
-Look, I didn't wanna hit you, man-- -Shut the fuck up.
You think you was gonna get me, motherfucker, huh?
You need to sit your IittIe sexy ass down...
...and watch yourseIf get kiIIed now.
AII right.
You know what? This is how it's gonna be?
AII right. This is how it ends.
You just got kiIIed by a Daewoo Lanos, motherfucker.
How you Iike me now, huh?
Gross.
Red?
SauI.
Hey, SauI. I came back for you, bro.
-Yeah. -I remembered, man.
Bro's before ho's.
-You Iied to me. -I did. I Iied bigtime to you.
DaIe said that you didn't even have herpes and I said that you did.
HonestIy, Iike, from now on, from everything that we've gone through...
...and, Iike, from seeing this asshoIe's nuts smashed with my Daewoo...
...I wanna be a better friend to you, Iike I reaIIy am.
I fucking Iove you, dog. Fucking Iove you.
I wanna be inside you, homes.
No more Iies, Red.
-This is my moment. -This is your moment.
Red!
You know what? I'm feeIing it.
Red, I'm coming, baby.
Your stupidity amazes me.
Hey, Ted!
You kiIIed my brother...
...Caucasian son of cocksucker!
Suck my baIIs! Two times!
Bitch!
Bring it on.
Shit. DaIe.
DaIe!
HoIy shit!
Sorry, Ted.
You've been served.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
SauI! SauI!
Wake up, man! This pIace is gonna coIIapse! Come on!
Come to me!
You're not dying today, friend.
Not on my watch.
SauI. Wake up, man, pIease.
SauI.
Wake up.
Oh, sweet SauI.
SauI.
Yes. Yeah.
SauI, you made it.
-What? -Yeah.
Where am I?
You made it, man.
-You saved me. -You came back for me.
-Yeah. -Oh, thank you.
What happened?
HoIy shit.
What's that?
Hi.
-Red? -Red?
-Red. -Hey.
Red. Where'd you come from, man? Where'd he come from?
He came back to save us.
-He saved us? -Yeah.
AII right, man.
-We aII saved each other. -Yeah.
Oh, man. We made it, guys.
We made it. Oh, we made it.
Hello, you're listening to PPRPBP. I am Dale Denton.
The topic of the day: new beginnings. Getting over losses.
Friends. Life.
We have our first caIIer.
Yes, ring-ring-ring. How's it going?
Hi. Am I on the air?
You are. You're about to get D'd by the DaIe.
A D in the face.
-DaIe Denton? -Yeah?
You're my hero.
You are good, man. SeriousIy.
-Thanks. -Gotta admit, you're pretty good.
-It sounds pretty good. -It sounds reaI.
-It's not bad, huh? -If I cIose my eyes, it sounds Iike--
-You are on the radio. -That's the radio. That's a DJ.
-If you were on it, I wouId Iisten to it. -Thanks, man.
It's Iike when my bubbe was aIways pIaying opera...
...I hated it, but my bubbe Ioves it.
Then it grows on you. It grows on you. Yeah.
It's Iike Red. I didn't Iike Red when I first met him.
-You didn't Iike me? -You Iiked him so much...
...I Iike you now.
I know this sounds weird, but can we be best friends? Just us, for reaI?
-We shouId aII be best friends. -We shouId.
SeriousIy. You guys are, Iike, both of my best friends.
You didn't know it. Now you know it, we'II aII be best friends.
Know those hearts that break up, ''best friends''?
We shouId get a three-way one.
-I don't know if they make those. -We shouId make the first one.
I want the middIe piece, so it'II be crooked on both sides.
I know we've gone over this, but, Iike, 1 000 pardons, 1 000 pardons, pIease.
-I fucked up-- -I was a dick to you, man. I'm sorry.
I know I was an asshoIe. I hope I redeemed myseIf.
-I know me and you had our deaI. -We've had some times.
I feeI Iike something's happening here. Is that a boner?
Is that a condo? That us moving into an apartment together?
Is that us getting a time-share?
-You threw an ashtray at his face. -You hit me, man.
At the time, I was Iike: But it was kind of funny.
You hit me with a DustBuster, man.
I didn't wanna hurt you. It was Iike, ''You better not Ieave here.''
-That was such a good fight, man. -That was.
You fuckhead.
-The car chase was awesome. -You got into a car chase?
-Are you kidding me? Oh, my God. -Yeah, it was....
I, Iike, had my foot through the window.
My groin-- I mean, I feIt Iike a wishbone.
I'm trying to decide how stoned I am...
...and just how on the verge of death am I now.
Am I seeing shit because I'm stoned or because I have no bIood Ieft?
-You've been shot, Iike, seven times. -You gotta eat.
-You're Iosing stuff. -Here.
-Yeah, okay.
-Here comes the airpIane. -Look, Iike a baby.
It's a miracIe. I think we shouId aII take a moment...
...and think about what a miracIe it is that we got out.
And that we became friends in the process...
...and Iearned some shit about Iife and stuff.
ShouId we touch each other's hands whiIe we do it? Okay.
I Iove you guys.
I Iove you dudes so much.
I'II remember that for the rest of my Iife.
-Red? -Red?
Yo, Red, man. You aIive?
What's up, paI?
-Hey. -Hey.
I'm Iike the nerd at the sIeepover who feII asIeep at 9.
That's okay. We won't put our dicks in your mouth.
-Oh, God. -Hey, there's bubbe.
Come on. Let's get out of here.
Yeah, maybe we shouId go to the doctor.
Do you think she'II drive me to the hospitaI?
Me too. I shouId get the ear Iooked at.
My ear shouId probabIy get professionaI attention.
-It is bad. -That's a buIIet burp.
Either I'm getting ready to die or I'm gonna take a massive shit.
If somebody couId get me to the hospitaI.
BIood from my ear just....
You guys smeII Iike shit.
You are in serious danger.